Alan Bird - Team Manager. Age 57.

Craig has now found out there is another meaning to the word FO. After leaving bmi two years ago, he has finally had the operation. At Oxford flying school his brain has been surgically removed and a Northern Foods steak and kidney meat pie inserted as a replacement. His wallet has been well and truly sown up - never to see the light of day again. He is now well on his way to becoming a qualified pilot although he has got to learn to moan a bit more about absolutely nothing. The British Embassy in Dubai has been approached for requests for an increase in the Emirates alcohol duty free stocks in anticipation of his arrival.

Tony is forty second inline to the throne and eats salad out of a wooden bowl. Most injury prone of all the participants in the tournoi. Has injured himself in knock up in airport car park, in warm up before the game, in making a goal line clearance when goalkeeper and when walking down the aircraft steps. Has even strained his tongue whilst spitting and his sphincter when farting. Used to be one of the boys but since marriage has started honouring and obeying the spouse. With his company platinum card will be well worth tapping up for a beer or two on the ex's. Captain Gillie says tell them about the rubber gloves. What on earth can he be talking about? Maybe one for the first night!!!

Recently married this fun loving cannibal enjoys a regular diet of meat. Meat for breakfast meat for dinner and you've guessed it meat for tea. Lock up your toilets ( and Bee days) and hideaway your daughters this two fingered Levi brother could well be on his last tournoi (so the misses says). Has volunteered to drive the coach to every match in Dubai. We know you haven't got a coach but Fletch says that shouldn't be a problem cos he's thinking of picking up a spare Bartons bus from East Leake depot and driving it to DXB.

Andy Potts (Potsy) - Almost certain to take Whitby's place. Age: 26

First reserve waiting in anticipation of the Whitby withdrawal. We are not sure from whose buttocks yet but we are expecting a withdrawal.

Ian Calladine (Killer) also known as (Callo) or (The Lizard) - Age, in reptile years, a cool 33. Position: on the edge of the box.

This Geoffrey Archer lookalike currently doing porridge is expected out on parole for his fifth tournoi. Everybody knows everything about this diva (iant) however he has recently obtained a new nickname - Ian. He has a regular diet of prawn sandwiches, prawn sandwiches, prawn sandwiches, prawn sandwiches, prawn sandwiches, prawn sandwiches and prawn sandwiches especially on a Saturday afternoon during a minor game of soccer.

Chris P Graham (Little Chris Graham) - Age 22: Position: all over the pitch.

Wears black leather trousers and walks around Mackworth path with his shirt off and medallions glistening in the sun. You should hear the wolf whistles from the 'Village people'. Will be seen in night-clubs with his white loafer shoes appearing to wander aimlessly. He is actually trying to find somebody to stand next to who is smaller than himself please support his efforts by approaching him on your knees and not with your mouth open.

Andy (Lover boy) Hackett - Age: 29. Position: In the nets.

Solid in defence, solid in midfield and solid in attack. This man of steel is really a lover not a fighter. The only Midland player to score in tournoi 2 the Lypton ice tea Reebok thriller on the beach played to the sounds of Dubai radio and the rhythms of Boney M by The Rivers of Babylon. By the way who was that guy with the groovy green turban? He is the only bloke I know who has a partner by the name of George and he eats endless supplies of nuts. Well he does carry a squirrel around on his back Knows everything there is to know about dodgy insurance claims whilst on holiday, now who is prudential.