Favourite food: Oranges.

Beneath this gentle exterior, beats the heart of a pyschopath. "Hannibal" will glide gently through a match with a fine sense of positional play and hard, but fair tackling. Get him the wrong way, however, (and unfortunately, we can never be sure what triggers this) and it's a stretcher home, with an icebox for anything that gets detached. His fine sense of humour and ready smile usually means that he gets away with it in the end.

Favourite Food: Liver and fava beans

A footballing dynamo who can defend hard, score from anywhere and can dominate a match with his mixture of gritty determination and silky skills. A man very much in demand, he is currently deciding between lucrative offers from Tournoi "Glamour Boys" Emirates Classic and his home team Mercator. As we pay his wages, the wrong decision could see him playing for DoleBoy Utd. Next season.

Favourite Food: Doughnuts (while he can afford them)

A newcomer to the Mercator squad, we hope to see Vinay emulate his namesake - Wimbledon Thug and Hollywood Hearthrob - Jones. A box is recommended wear if you try and mark this man. With a soccer CV of impressive length, he is expected to bring the average waist size of the team down from 47 to 36 inches. Look out for a feast of footballing feistiness - one to watch.

Favourite Food: Fish

A product of Aylesbury Utd's youth training program, but decided beer and women were far more interesting than football. A whirling dervish, a ball of explosive energy who gives 110% of everything he's got into whatever he is doing. This tends to get on your tits after a while. On his day, he can be a match winner - as long as he remembers it is a round and not an oval ball he is kicking - the low crossbars of the Emirates 5-a-side pitches may cause him problems. Very much the pin up boy of the Mercator squad, mainly because the others are dogs. Will no doubt increase the girl pulling power of the team from never to seldom.

Favourite food: Pedigree Chum

Carrying on the great tradition of Scottish goalkeepers, we can expect to see some text book technique from the veteran Airdrieonian. The "Roughie" nickname alludes not only to his mentor - the great Scottish custodian Alan - but also to his typical appearance first thing in the morning. The afternoon kick-offs should suit him well. Tends to use language unsuitable to minors - although an impenetrable accent should protect the innocent. His recent whisky diet has seen him lose 3 days.

Favourite Food: Whisky

Kane - a world travelling Scot - has been with Mercator for two years and has managed to spend only two weekends in Dubai so far. His extensive travelling should mean he has the stamina for the evening activities - closing time has no meaning to this man. On the field, he is an unknown quantity. But he's Scottish, so he must be good.

Favourite Food: Anything served on a small tray.

This man is so new to the squad, that he does not get back to Dubai for another two weeks and no-one has met him - but he comes highly recommended. Among his strengths is the brevity of his surname - no tongue tied terrors for the Mercator Management on this one.

Favourite Food: sherbet