TournoiDubai 2001

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 Brian 'Dav' Davenport (Captain) Position: defence / up high

Born in Dulwich in 1601, Brian's youthful looks belie his unmatchable experience. Keeping to a diet of leopard's blood and marsh mallows, this quadri-centurion has the body of a 21-year-old. (In fact he also has the body of a 19-year-old, a 30-year-old and two 41 year olds - all of which he keeps buried under his floorboards.) So when it was suggested that Brian should be Captain there weren't too many dissenting voices (at least if you exclude the ones coming from Doris Stokes). At only 5ft 4in he has spent the last two decades mastering a cunning contraption of mirrors to give the impression that he stands at a commanding 6ft 6in. His perceived height is always an advantage, be it in the heart of defence, in the opposing penalty area or simply dusting the tops of kitchen wall-cabinets which always seem to get covered in that horrible blend of fat and dust. So it's "Rah, rah, rah for Brian" that Colossus of a Captain - let's just hope that this Captain Sensible has some "Happy Talking" to do come the end of Tournoi 2000.

Chris 'Psycho' Bell Position: behind d'fence

As a revered member of the notorious Portsmouth 6.57, Chris brings fanatical flair to the pitch and a reputation for eating children. Totally committed, but allowed out for the Tournoi on probation, Bell shouts rather a lot and directs traffic with a furled umbrella. He is roundly feared, even by his own team mates, but has been known to show a soft side, particularly when he takes his shirt off. Arf arf! An advertising man by day, Chris is the mastermind behind the memorable Tournoi slogan "Drink football, sleep football, eat children." Check with the ref first if you hear a high-pitched whistle - it might just be the alarm on Chris's electronic ankle tag going off. Peeeeeeep!

Chris 'Wattie' Watson Position: up front

By some crazy chance, yet another of our players is called Chris!! However, to avoid confusion, they don't look the same and only one of them carries an umbrella. Phew! Chris works for furniture expert Kinnarps and is hoping we win rather than 'drawer' and that we finish top of the 'table.' Unfortunately Kinnarps are Swedish, not Finnish, otherwise we could have had three crap puns in one sentence. Tch! Chris says he is "Fitish and available" - music to the ears of any captain - and is expected be a solid force up front and in the bar. Hang on, was that 'fitish' or 'Finnish'?!

Andy 'General' Patton Position: claiming any area for the Empire

Unlike his lily-livered former Hong Kong Governor namesake, Andy has no plans to hand-over territory on the football field. Known for his combination of bullish power and sublime touches, he'll make a formidable opponent and colonize the midfield with patriotic tenacity and a whip. As manager of Emirates' Skywards programme, he'll be strong on 'loyalty' and hoping for 'frequent flying finishes.' Or Finns perhaps. Recently married to Tournoi pin-up Sandy, allegedly not just because her name rhymes, Andy says, "It will be an honour to serve the winning team." However, if that isn't us, he may rue those words when he has to don a pinny and dish up sausage and mash to the eventual Tournoi champs. Doh!

'Doctor' Jim Stewart (GK) Position: diving in the box

The wiry sports addict has once again buggered off to Wales for some pre-Tournoi high altitude training. The Doc has promised he'll keep fit by be going down in the valleys and 'running up slag heaps', something he'll also be able to do in the Arif Castle. Keep your own tab, Doctor! A child prodigy oil engineer, Dr. Jim will be swapping the oil field for the football field but says there'll be no need to 'rig' the results and is confident he'll do 'well' between the posts. Crikey! His recent purchase of a bar football table has proved useless for training, despite the Doc's diminutive stature, since he can't get the metal rod through his shirtsleeves. Whether he's had success with the metal rod in other ways is unknown but feel free to speculate.

Yousef 'Useless' Lahej Position: skiving in the box

Yousef will be looking to live down the name 'useless' and bag a few onions, after something of a famine at the Hilton Beach Club tourni. An Insportz regular, his fitness and recent form suggests he'll be peeling the defence apart and bringing tears to their eyes as he runs onion rings around them. He's often difficult to contact but has generously given me his girlfriend's phone number for emergencies. Nice one! "Let's get on with it and come out on top!" says Yousef, though it's not clear if he's talking about the Tournoi. A vocal member of the team, Yousef usually has plenty to say though it's not always interesting. Expect precision finishing from the handsome youngster, both on the pitch and in the bar, but not in the bathroom since at his girlfriend's new villa he recently pissed in the bath rather than the toilet and fell backwards out of the shower, displaying his own prize onions.

Jamie 'GM Jimmy' Vigrass Position: all-terrain

Asked if his surname is some kind of synthetic pitch or indication of a genetic disposition for playing on grass, Jamie was suspiciously ambivalent in his response. Anyway, the suspected heir to the Astroturf empire claims to work for General Motors. Despite these mysterious and doubtful circumstances, we're expecting him to be a midfield 'General' and hope he 'Motors' up the pitch, ha ha! Prone to bouts of psychotic behaviour after consuming half a pint of lager, this hulking powerhouse is expected to be an interesting candidate for the Simon White Memorial Trophy. Bring your own riot shield.

Ian 'Junior Doctor' Stewart Position: any vacancies considered

Completing the spooky duplicate names line-up is yet another Mr. Stewart, though the more innocent amongst us would try to explain this away with the fact that he is Jim's brother. Hmmm. Whatever the truth may be, the alleged 'junior Doctor' is another holidaymaker, mercilessly hoping to use the Tournoi to seek employment opportunities. An unknown force both on and off the pitch, let's hope this new recruit does the 'job' and 'gainfully employs' his family talent for sport!

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